A quote from yours truly…

“If not me, no one.”

Sounds like one to translate into Latin.

A prayer of questions

How can I cut clean this cloth?
Where is god when I don’t look for him?
Why are mine eyes not open?
I fail – I fall
And Love?
Seems still a mystery uncracked.
Not yet revealed by divine creator.
Fate though,  feels to breaks my bones.
I am weak.
What must I do?
Who must I be?
How much more should I want?
Is it in me?
Is it me?
Almighty God – the truth…
I trust in You
I trust in You

XXVII

Respect, oh you, the flat land
penning now the written night.
Coast sky prest upon it,
titan clouds and moonlight.

Call me through the nighttime,
as I wade awake and sigh;
bathing in my presence,
you unique, and I.

Telling how a future’s form 
and our misty hopes denied.
the doubting’s lost so clearly,
‘neath St. Mary’s sky.

Let it last forever.
Let it last forever.
Moon and Mary’s sky.

a piece of history

Growing up I was fairly well-received by my classmates; In elementary school I was that chubby kid who made people laugh. Certainly I was by no means elite, most of that type always seemed to have it a bit easier. They always seemed one-step ahead. I spent a lot of time as a kid wondering why I wasn’t like them, wanting the be them. Planning on it. For the most part, the common denominator was money. Without it, a family feeds upon itself, upon its stress and lack of progress. Some people are inclined to accept their lot. Me? I developed a burning anger, a deep-seated sarcasm, a loathing, a silent belief that I was not just better then where I was, but who I was. I resented that my parents had taken a social-mobility step-backwards from the high-hopes of their greatest generation forebears.

XXXVI

Did you think you could supress the ancient agony of time?
Harrowed in our hallowed hearts a piercing painted line
of hill and valley, stone and sand, glorious God and mortal man.

Did you think He could allow an orphan’s ode to understand?
Alone like you to go into the the cosmos’ coddling hand;
of light on light, so light it dark, so twist the moon, so bold…

and

Hark the fragile frigid fold to hue when you alleve this mold
and dwell somewhere ‘yond comprehend, so true, so true

and

Even then the quest goes on, a generation hurtling gone
the star path pav’ed spool unraveling, circling the dust for you.

Unraveling and circling of light and you.

Letter to a Girl 2011

Wow…I am reigning King of Delayed Responses – my apologies for that.

This past week I’ve been digesting some bad news… looks like I’m going to be furloughed from my School District at the end of the school year.  This makes being laid off from two school districts in two years -> crazy.  Unfortunately these are the times we live in… And honestly, I accept that.  It is disheartening, but out of my hands  I think the biggest thing that I’ve learned about life over the past couple of years is that there are so many things that we CAN control, I’m not falling for the obvious-trap of worrying about the things I can’t.

You’re right about middle school kids though, they are annoying.  The maturity spectrum is vast, and once they get excited about something it takes em’ 15 minutes to calm down.  I am my own worst enemy in that regard, I physically can’t stop goofing around…lol, we have fun.  Currently doing Tom Sawyer, Mark Twain is one of my homies….I think I’d like to get back into High School…I miss teaching Journalism, and my middle school newspaper club is no substitute.

It’s great that you’re looking at going back for more classes…I imagine that once one finds their calling, every opened door becomes a new piece of the grand puzzle…. Teaching is a sweet, sweet gig, but I sometimes wish I had more time for learning OFFICIAL GEEK stuff throughout the year.  Por ejemplo: Latin, Ancient History, Early Theology, Islam, Civil War etc… -> things I need to pursue in the summertime.

As usual, sounds like we could totally have a “Nerd-Off” super battle.

Of course, I would have to defeat you.  No hard feelings…

My son is great, wonderful, everything I could ask for in a son.  Despite all of my shortcomings, he’s a sweet, good-natured kid with a terribly witty sense of humor.  I think the biggest thing with him is that I have high expectations for him AKA I don’t sell him short or speak to him like he’s a little kid incapable of understanding….we watch history shows together, talk religion, make fun of weird looking people, invent songs with bathroom words in them, and play lots of sports.  He was pretty annoyed yesterday when I dubbed him official gopher while weeding/planting/working in the yard.  At one point, he refused to “beer me”, the NERVE.

The Mets might possibly be the worst franchise in baseball, so I try no get into verbal confrontations with him about our respective teams….he always rubs it in.   :-(      Does a Steelers fan such as yourself worry about the NFL draft?  Or are you above such contrived drama? For me it’s an excuse to have a few beers at one of my friend’s houses.   Any grand plans this summer???  Ya know dingy libraries, math seminars, build-your-own protractor seminars, etc…   hahaha

As always, I enjoy hearing from you. You have my solemn promise that next time I won’t wait weeks to respond…and glad to know that my attention to detail (on the mix CD) was not in vain!

;p
Captain Awesome

Premonitions (Coincidences) & God’s Will

I wrote this at the height of an irreconcilable depression that I was struggling to explain.  What was I missing?  I was sitting down outside on the picnic table by myself and finally got the urge to write my heart.    I found my answer at the end of this poem, I had forgotten God’s will.  After writing this poem, I went inside the house and kneeled at my bed in prayer for the first time in a very long time.  “What do you want of me God,” I asked.  “I will follow you.”  The next day, I received a letter from the school district notifying me that my contract would not be renewed.  Such is the Will, such is the life.  I have followed God’s will to great things and I must trust him to continue to lead the way.

I experienced a similar premonition (coincidence) the night before I received word of my Grandfather’s passing in April of 2010.  That night, I started thinking of the passing of my own father, and began intensely missing him, enough so that I cried.  I hadn’t had a feeling like that in a couple of years.  The next day, I heard about my grandfather’s passing.  Suddenly my grief the night before made so much more sense…

——————————–

fear not world; so beautiful – I believe in you.
It is not your fault of me
I am but a consequence.
Just a cognizant spot.
A human volcano.
In time – I will be gone
to join the rest
now dormant in sand.
And that’s OK – because…
I think I am more
Will then Presence.
More Pretend then Present
and always wildly searching
for things my heart can’t find.
These cycles are killing me
for every year, is another faded.
Only so many glimmers left
in my candle.
God sees my effort
but it become so easy to toil without
His will
when I forget to ask of it.
What, what do you want then?
What should I do
if Thine will becomes mine own?
I dare not
STEP AGAIN NOW
without knowing.
fear not God, so powerful – I am your leaf
fierce and red, yet crumbling in Autumn.
Settle me soft and raise your flowers o’er me.

XXXV

I’m a soul searcher.
I’m a heart hurter.
I’m a barn burner, a world turner.

Falcons fly,
ahead of the rest.
Birds savager, abreast in dark
feathers. I’m best
deader then you.

Swords clash,
especially loud.
Clang; echo, sound,
sleek fury unfound.
Story so true.

I’m a fast learner,
I’m a heart hurter,
I’m a barn burner, a world turner.

Romance

A deep instantaneous attraction is my love.
Not taking time and finally stumbling upon it.
Not training wheels and forced marches in sand.
More like a monument built
upon the verdant soil of first sight.
Although it binds us through times,
familial love does not haunt our minds.
Eye to eye desire may be the first promises
of a long life.

Classroom Quote

A student of mine wrote this on the cover of his journal after I apparently said it in class. Sounds like a reworded version of something I’ve heard before, nevertheless, I will claim it!

“Being a coward is worse than death.”